Napoleonic dust up in western India in need of time travelling armchair general…
Step right up guvner. Come and see the ultimate turn of the (19th) century smackdown. Ten thousand redcoat whipping boyz versus fifty thousand heroes of the Maratha Empire. All star colonial attackers (boo- hiss) versus bronzed native defenders (hurrah!). Some no name, toffee nosed snob, Arthur la-di-dah Wellesley, leading the British East India Company, versus the renowned, up-from-the-ranks Colonel with a heart-of-gold, Anthony Pohlmann, generously assisting the Maratha Empire!
Will John Bull cop another bloody nose? Will highly trained troops, lead by an overzealous glory-hog, beat a horde equipped with modern weaponry, defending their own turf? Witness bullshit flanking manoeuvres over undiscovered river crossings, entire corps playing possum, ridiculous mismatched numbers, misunderstood orders, heroic last stands, last minute cavalry charges, and sacrifice of the highest order.
Watch the Armchair Corporal re-write history and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… just click that ole mouse here 20/20 Hindsight: Re-fighting the Battle of Assaye, or go to the Alt History tab at the top o the page.
Counterfactual re-fight of the battles of Mohi, Falkirk and Poiters
If you could go back in time and whisper in a general’s ear (and not get executed for impertinence or witchcraft) you could change the course of history. One could also point out their silly clothes and poor personal hygiene and casually mention that the fleas on the rats carry the plague, and that there is another continent across the western sea, and that mouldy bread can cure infections, and the formula for dynamite might come in handy too…
But sticking to counterfactual battles, apart from berating King Bela IV of Hungary on his hubris, William Wallace on his shoddy deployment, and King John II of France on the abysmal plan, you could actually help these chaps to win pivotal encounters. Mohi is a classic East vs West showdown of the Mongols vs a European (Hungarian) Army. Falkirk is probably best known as the battle in ‘Braveheart’ where William Wallace’s Scottish army is defeated. Poiters is the second major land battle of the Hundred Years War – another English versus French arse-whuppin’.
These three battles are unrelated other than that they tickled my fancy, weren’t overly complex engagements, and presented a not completely hopeless chance of reversal. So clicketty-click right here ( 20/20 Hindsight Re-fight #4 Mohi, Falkirk, Poiters) and find out how the losers screwed up and how I would unscrew ‘em!
How to win Alesia, Crécy, & the Battle of the Boyne
Turning that frown upside down for the Gauls at Alesia, the French at Crécy, and the Irish at the Battle of the Boyne.
The Armchair Corporal reverses the outcome of some of history’s famous battles by pointing out the bleeding obvious! Amazing battlefield insights are all too easy with Wikipedia, Osprey military books, BBC documentaries, fog-o-war penetrating goggles™, a dollop of arrogance, a comfy chair, common sense, and of course 20/20 Hindsight.
So sit back and marvel as I give Julius Caesar the run-around, scold yet more silly French kniggits, and rectify another Jacobite shemozzle.
Check it out at 20/20 Hindsight Re-fight #3 Alesia, Crécy, Boyne
How to win the battles of Waterloo, Gettysburg and Hastings
Bite sized rematches: Omniscient Armchair Corporal out-generals the pros.
Any amateur history buff worth their salt has imagined re-fighting a battle and rewriting history. It just so happens that I eat famous battles for breakfast, so I’ve described my legendary skillz in the Alt History section. Napoleon, General Lee and some ‘Medieval Dickheads’ could learn a thing or two from me as I blitz Waterloo, march all over Gettysburg and rewrite 1066 in the Anglo-Saxon chronicle.
So take a step back in time and suspend all notions of the fog of war. In my world, commanders always do what they are told and have excellent cross country navigational skills. My physically exhausted troops can always keep marching, especially on the huge flank manoeuvres that are all the rage with Armchair Generals. Coordinating multiple attacks without radios or even semaphore just happens as my mind wills it.
If I wasn’t allergic to getting up early I would probably join the armed forces and get that world peace thing happening. In the meantime you should check out how to turn the tables in some classic engagements at the 20/20 Hindsight Refight page.